Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
As shirtless as possible
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize