I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
