You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
