i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize