batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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