If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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