I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
