we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
