ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
