my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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