if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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