i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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