If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You pole danced in your parka.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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