the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
