apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize