I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
