I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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