So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We're not piercing ourselves today.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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