When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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