You can't motorboat a personality
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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