How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
