Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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