wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
