I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
what day is it and did you see me today?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
