I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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