she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
