god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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