put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
