i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
