when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
