My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
