the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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