fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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