If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
