and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
