I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
