The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
