Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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