I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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