cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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