just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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