FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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