: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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