I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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