My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
