You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
