The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
