I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
