Tell her she can't have a vagina
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
