upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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