So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize