If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
