I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
