Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
