i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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